I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
