NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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