Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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