I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
