Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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