apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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