Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
