She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
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We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
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I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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