we were pretty classy up until the second keg
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
