When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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