I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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