My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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