I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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