i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Randomize
