i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
