I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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