you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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