my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
If I die, sorry about rent.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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