I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
