I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
