Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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