Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
