Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
