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Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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