it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
