I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
