p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
