I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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