You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
