Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
