she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
