i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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