sarcasm needs its own font
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
