just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
