I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
