More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
