im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
