An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
