did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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