Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
