Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
