I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
