Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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