I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
