I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
