After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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