yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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