I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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