I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
