I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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