All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
