he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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