Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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