sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
