you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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