You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
