I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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