i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Sober January is a disaster.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
