Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
