I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
